Sunday, May 31, 2015

A Giant Milestone!

     Sitting in the middle school auditorium Thursday morning I felt tears well up.  I was so overcome by excitement and pride for Cora.  This morning I was going to witness my 14 year old, CHD, daughter accept her middle school promotion certificate to high school!
     Knowing all that this sweet thing has overcome I was overflowing with such pride!  As I sat there observing a giant milestone in my daughters life!  Knowing she had less than a 30 percent chance of life after birth, I look at her sitting in the crowd of 8th grade students and praise Jesus!  To hear her name called by the principal, to hear students clap and Woo Hoo, and to see my miracle walk across the stage to accept her certificate, I couldn't help but cry.  I clapped and snapped pictures through my tears.  I was so proud of Cora!  It was truly an accomplishment I didn't think would happen!
 I hope as she reflects back upon this day, she sees her own accomplishments!  I pray she sees that all the difficult days, and moments when she said she wanted to give up, are floating thought.  I hope she remembers that she didn't give up, and God never left her.  This is her accomplishment!  She has accomplished something so wonderful, something so extremely difficult for her, something so many of us take for granted!  She accomplished elementary school, and middle school.  She may not have been an A student who was on the honor roll all year, but in her Dad and my eyes that doesn't matter!  As long as she strives hard, puts her best effort forward, and doesn't give up.......that's honor roll A's all day long for us!
Great job Cora!  Keep pushing yourself!  As I have said before baby, God has special plans for you, believe in Him, he won't steer you wrong!

Monday, May 25, 2015

A Little Spunk!

     Driving down the road with Cora she asks me to turn up a song.  As I do I see her straighten her back and sit a little bit taller.  Listening, I hear my daughter sing every single word with conviction.  She sang as if she felt every single word to the core.  As the words continue to fill the car, each sentence sang touches my heart.  This song is more than just an awesome song for my 14 year old.  This song is so very much more.
     As the song completes, and the radio is turned down, I see the smile still on Cora's face.  As a curious Momma, I have to ask!  Before I can get the words out, she tells me she absolutely loves that song.  Cora proceeds to tell me the song is her voice!  She continues by informing me that she sees herself as that small boat in the ocean of life.  That she feels she isn't heard often, and she doesn't speak up much.  However she isn't ready to give up on life!  She isn't ready give up on the notion that there are many other kids with heart surgery who will follow behind her in school.  She wants to help make the path a little easier for the next congenital heart defect kid.
     This song is her anthem!  Cora says it is her "fight song, take back my life song, prove I'm alright song." She says she feels strong when she hears it.  She doesn't want to give up, or care what others say, because she's "still got a lot of fight left in me."  She isn't going to think about the end, she is going to think about the now!  Clearly there were no words that I could say.  At the risk of being a crying mess, and unable to see the road to drive, I simply smiled and nodded.
     So thank you Rachel Platten.  Thank you for your song Fight Song.  Thank you for empowering my daughter through your words. Thank you for breathing courage, hope, and inspiration into my CHD daughter!  Silly as it may sound, any little bit of encouragement she can receive to lift her spirits, and ignite a flame within her, deserves a special thank you!  If that has to come from a song, I'm so grateful it's a song like this.  I'm blessed that God guided my daughters ears to this song, her entyrruptation of the words empowered her, and that she now has some new found strength, and unconditional love,  to continue to try to make a difference in school for other CHD children who may follow!

Blessings Until Next Time! 

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Outfit Of Strength!

   Being a CHD Momma seems to add pressure undiscovered daily!  Everyday I try to put on that outfit of strength.  I walk out my door ready to greet the world in my wrinkle free armor of strength, however within seconds....I feel like I've been stripped of my strength and invaded by the harshness of life!  I'm now standing at the door completely exposed to the world.  I'm fighting a battle every second of my day, unarmed and falling to pieces.

     It seems to begin early in the morning with Cora forgetting to take her medicine.  Reminding her constantly makes me feel like a nag. The kind reminders have now become loud lectures!  We are steps from being out the door and the discovery that she still didn't take her medication is realized.  That sets the dominos falling!  Now a homework assignment is just remembered and, of course, incomplete.  Of course, then it snowballs into the discovery that the lunch box was left on the kitchen table, not once but twice, and we have to beat feet back into the house.  This then triggers the, I need something else but it can't be found.  Then the the icing on my already crumbling cake.  An anxiety attack within Cora starts.  It's like the boogeyman is lurking around each corner, waiting for me!  He knows he can instill fear, and I can feel him trying to break me down.  He's prowling around trying to see how far he can push me until I break.  Quicker than a blink of an eye, reality hits, BOOM!  
     Now the stress of juggling everything is in full swing.  I must keep everything flowing so we don't run late for school.   I have to work with Cora during her anxiety attack, get the lunchbox from inside, keep each daughter moving forward, and somehow find a way to get her assignment completed within the next 27 minutes.  My armor of strength has disintegrated, and I'm barely hanging on!  The worst part, it's only 7am.

    I wish I could say everyday doesn't go this way, however that would be a lie!  Some days are far worse than others, but everyday is a struggle.  Everyday that strength of armor gets ripped, and I am beaten and worn down by the world.  Many nights I pray for rejuvenation and healing of my strength.  I beg for better ways to improve our mornings, and give praise that I seem to juggle it all and make it through.
  I get that everyone has their life's roller coasters rides, but lately I feel like I live on one.  Every time the ride stops the bar doesn't move and....I  simply can't step off the ride.  Quicker than a blink of an eye, reality hits again, BOOM!
     Motherhood is challenging yet reward within itself, but honestly there have been days that no matter how many prayers I pray, no matter how many self pick me up talks I have to do during my day, there are times I end my day deflated and beaten.  Despite all this there is still a silver lining for me!  God wakes me the next morning for another chance to be better, in everything, than I was the day before!  He breathes new hope in me, and believes in me!  So I shall rise tomorrow, wearing my armor of strength and see what the world awaits for me!

Blessings Until Next Time!


Monday, May 11, 2015

Finding My Voice!

     Writing is so very important to me. It is my voice! It is the one place I can go to express my everything that vocally I fail at.  I have been very timid for years about sharing my feelings through words.  I have always second guessed my writing ability, terrified to expose myself, fearing criticism and shame.  Then God gave me Cora!  He began preparing me for being a special needs Mom, and along the way he shared the talent he instilled in me.  Crazy I know.....but true!

     Writing this book about Cora and our journey has been torturous, scary, fulfilling, rewarding, and exhausting.  Unburying years of regressed emotions has been liberating, as well as horrifying.
This book has been a 14 year journey that started out through journaling.  This journey has given me hope, strength, confidence, and......a voice!  I have begun to see God's work within me, and I realize there is no need to fear!  I now know the talent God gave me is writing!  I know this because when I write I feel my soul shine, and a happiness that's unexplainable overcomes me!  To see words creating sentences, that creates a story, that educates some, and helps others escape, it is very liberating.  It is sad to admit that I've listened more to the Neh Sayers than God all these years. Discovering this talent and knowing what I write could educate some, bring comfort to another, or answer a single question, brings me peace.
I'm so proud to announce that I am in the finishing stages of my first book about Cora, and our families Congenital Heart Defect (CHD) journey.  I have battled 14 years of doubt, confusion, sadness, and pure fear!  But.......over those years, God has been molding me, my writing, and my voice!  I am still learning to trust when I can't see, learning to block out the negative noise of others, and listen to the inner voice God instilled in me.  I am slowly releasing my grip to allow God to guide and protect me!  In a way I am taking a giant leap of faith.  Fearful as I may be not following Gods plan for me would be denying Gods gift, and then I just wouldn't be who God has planned me to become!  So..I sincerely hope that each of you will leap with me and read my book upon completion!  It educates, and reveals so much more than one would ever expect!  

Blessings Until Next Time!