Tuesday, May 17, 2016

CHD-My Foolishness!

     I am constantly driving home that being a CHD Momma is difficult.  Emotionally it is exhausting. Well confession time...the moment I discovered I had a "non-typical" pregnancy I was a complete emotional train wreck. Good Lord, I couldn't function from day to day.  Seriously, functioning minute to minute was a struggle every single day. 

     I was so foolish! I was praying for a baby boy.  Not for a healthy pregnancy, or even a healthy child, just a baby boy.  Then I'm told that this child I'm carrying has all these issues, and this cardiologist who is an expert on high risk pregnancy informs me that having a baby girl would increase the chance of survival.  Knowing at this point the babies survival rate is less than 30%, having a baby girl would be best.
     So now I'm frantic, been praying for the baby to be a boy.  Would God forgive me for pleading for a baby girl?  How foolish of me to have been thinking this entire time of myself!  Focusing only on this baby boy I have always wanted, at times praying to please not be a girl!  I was embarrassed and ashamed.  God had to think I was a nut, for that matter, I myself believed I was a nut!
     Still frantic, I pressed on begging for a girl and asking for forgiveness along the way. Deep down hoping I could forgive myself for being so foolish, and praying the baby I was going to have wouldn't be ashamed of me for my selfish actions. 
     The moment of birth came, and God heard my pleas.  I gave birth to a baby girl.  She was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen.  At that moment I knew I was meant to be a Momma of a girl.  

     This girl, my darling15 year old daughter, has overcome so many hurdles and continues to keep
shining through them all. I look at her sometimes, and still feel that guilt I had so many years ago. How I could have ever imagined not having this little girl, my little girl, is simply unimaginable. 
     So as I stand before you, I confess that I have begged and pleaded for things during that pregnancy I never should have.  I was selfish, foolish, and at times ignorant.  I am so grateful God saw past those things and still blessed our family.  I am truly blessed to be a Heart Momma of a little girl! 💔❤️

Blessings Until Next Time!