Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Leaning On Prayer!!

     This past month and a half has been difficult for my sweet girl...which has now worked its way to taking its toll on me.  Oh how I wish I was so strong all the time...but I am weak and fall short often.  I stay strong in front of my daughter to ease her worry and fear.  Inside I am a mess some days.  I have learned worrying gets me nowhere,  so I cast my worries, fears, and everything else to The Lord.

     I know I have said before but, I am not a person who shares my emotions often, but believe me I have more than I know what to do with.  I pray and pray a lot.  I speak to The Lord in the car, in the shower, when I lay in bed at night, always.  I pray and pray all the time.  Sometimes when I know I am alone, knowing I won't be "caught",  I sit and cry.  No word spoken to anyone just my pleads to The Lord through my tears.  Lately it has been my release from being strong 24/7 for Cora.  

     Then last night I decided to get on Pinterst and as I scrolled down just a touch I found the below scripture from Psalm 56:8.  It did so much for me.  I could feel God speaking to me, answering not just my spoken prays, but my tear prayers as well.  I picked up my Bible and turned to Psalm 56:8 and began reading.  I felt The Lord hugging me, letting me know that he will be with Cora and care for her.

     Now I can't say there aren't moments when I look at her, that I don't feel hopeless....Knowing I am unable to take away her chronic pain, her palpations, her breathing hardships, or any other health obstacles she is facing.  But I know with my constant prayers and appreciation for the Glory of The Lord..."I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13.

Blessings until next time.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Finding Faith!

     So my earlier blog I posted my struggles in faith during my beginning pregnancy with my CHD daughter, Cora.  I debated sharing this information, but felt moved to share, so everyone can see my journey of struggles.
     For many years I was a surface Christian as I call it.  I knew very little about my faith, but portrayed  to others that I new more than I did.  Really, I was a lost soul.  Then God got through to me.  He didn't give up on me, and saw my little seed that needed nourished, educated, and loved.
     God began putting people in my life that I constantly learned from.  I was given my first Bible by my now sister in law.  I began reading it immediately craving to learn more.  I discovered so much about God, Jesus, and myself.  I began attending my Grandmothers church, and discovered the power of prayer, and forgiveness.
     Years later I married and was blessed with the pregnancy of my first daughter, Cora.  I was on cloud  nine.......then everything fell apart.  Learning early in my pregnancy all the complications and likeliness of the baby I was carrying would die after birth, I felt my world crumble.  I was frightened, confused, and very angry.  I felt I was being punished for all my prior sins.  That everything I had learned and diligently lived my life for serving The Lord, was for nothing.  I honestly felt God closed my faith door and left me in the cold all alone and unarmed.  I lost faith in myself and felt let down. 
      However throughout my pregnancy everyday I prayed for forgiveness.  For every single sin and mistake I could remember making, and begged for forgiveness, and a miracle for my unborn baby.  My first pregnancy and I wasn't that glowing happy Mom to be.  Nope.....I was bitter and angry with every person that was a Mom to a health baby.    I didn't understand or stop to pray about it.  I just let all that anger, resentment, and self pity fester inside.
     Then The Lord revealed himself to me.  Not directly but through the miracle of my daughter's birth. Her birth was scary and almost a heartbreaking experience, but he showed his grace and love for my daughter and myself.
     12 years later, 4 open heart surgeries, and learning how to coop with a twisted brain stem, no immune system, and cognitive memory obstacles, The Lord is still blessing my daughter, Cora, and myself with grace, courage, and faith.
     Though our days are jammed packed and the time flies by.  The Lord shines a light onto my daughter.  That light reminds me that The Lord's miracles exist, and his grace is everywhere.  I can NOT look at my Cora and not believe in God's existence.  She is a true miracle, not just by evaluation but from her doctors as well!  For he alone gave me my Cora as she is, and for that I pray gratitude, and praise daily.

Blessings until next time.

Losing Faith!

     Being a Mother to a child with a complex congenital heart defect is a roller coaster day in and out.  On the surface I must be strong for my friends, family, and my daughter Cora.  Underneath I have, and occasionally still, question myself as a parent, my emotions, my fear, my guilt, and my faith.  It isn't something I am proud to admit, but it is this Mom's truth. 
     There are days that my faith is strong and I feel I can conquer anything set in my path...but then there are those other days.  Those are the days that are more present than most and I feel worn down, confusion, sadness, and helplessness.
     When I was first given the news about being pregnant with a child with so many problems.  From a heart defect to a twisted brain stem, I was at my lowest in my faith.  I felt that God was punishing me and my unborn child for all the sins I committed during my life leading up to my pregnancy.  I questioned the love of God, and the Bible as a whole.  I pushed people away and built a safe castle wall around my heart, and my mind.  I still continued my surface appearance of having it all together...many didn't know I was pregnant with a child with so many obstacles, and I didn't wish to share that.  I built a safe place for myself in my mind. A dark lonely, sad place.  But at that time I felt as long as I didn't share it with a single sole I would be fine.  No judgement, no angry let down people.  I figured God turned his back on me so I would release everything my Grandma, and my church had taught me about my faith.  
     Looking back now it really was my lowest point in my faith journey.  I have never spoken about this to a single sole, fear I suppose.  But I realized something recently.  During that time I felt so alone...I was alone.  My family and friends couldn't relate because they hadn't faced anything like this.  I use to wish just one person during my journey then would surface and enter my life to be my comfort.  Well....that person didn't come, but The Lord didn't leave me either.  So if I can find the courage to take my castle wall down one stone at a time, I may be able to help someone else who is facing what I have faced.  Maybe I can give that one person a glimmer of hope I so desperately needed back then.  I can show them that thou you feel all alone, The Lord is with you!  Holding you, carrying you, loving you!!
      I can assure you it is a difficult struggle to face each day with a child with a complex congenital heart defect.  Oh yes it is draining physically and emotionally as a Mother.   But there is no way what so ever I would change one struggle, one tear, or any of my stumbles along the way, because God gave me my wonderful daughter.  The miracle child that I was told had less than 20% chance of life after birth.  God new what he was doing, and I am grateful and reminded daily what Gods blessing is.
     Blessings until next time!