Friday, November 8, 2013

Losing Faith!

     Being a Mother to a child with a complex congenital heart defect is a roller coaster day in and out.  On the surface I must be strong for my friends, family, and my daughter Cora.  Underneath I have, and occasionally still, question myself as a parent, my emotions, my fear, my guilt, and my faith.  It isn't something I am proud to admit, but it is this Mom's truth. 
     There are days that my faith is strong and I feel I can conquer anything set in my path...but then there are those other days.  Those are the days that are more present than most and I feel worn down, confusion, sadness, and helplessness.
     When I was first given the news about being pregnant with a child with so many problems.  From a heart defect to a twisted brain stem, I was at my lowest in my faith.  I felt that God was punishing me and my unborn child for all the sins I committed during my life leading up to my pregnancy.  I questioned the love of God, and the Bible as a whole.  I pushed people away and built a safe castle wall around my heart, and my mind.  I still continued my surface appearance of having it all together...many didn't know I was pregnant with a child with so many obstacles, and I didn't wish to share that.  I built a safe place for myself in my mind. A dark lonely, sad place.  But at that time I felt as long as I didn't share it with a single sole I would be fine.  No judgement, no angry let down people.  I figured God turned his back on me so I would release everything my Grandma, and my church had taught me about my faith.  
     Looking back now it really was my lowest point in my faith journey.  I have never spoken about this to a single sole, fear I suppose.  But I realized something recently.  During that time I felt so alone...I was alone.  My family and friends couldn't relate because they hadn't faced anything like this.  I use to wish just one person during my journey then would surface and enter my life to be my comfort.  Well....that person didn't come, but The Lord didn't leave me either.  So if I can find the courage to take my castle wall down one stone at a time, I may be able to help someone else who is facing what I have faced.  Maybe I can give that one person a glimmer of hope I so desperately needed back then.  I can show them that thou you feel all alone, The Lord is with you!  Holding you, carrying you, loving you!!
      I can assure you it is a difficult struggle to face each day with a child with a complex congenital heart defect.  Oh yes it is draining physically and emotionally as a Mother.   But there is no way what so ever I would change one struggle, one tear, or any of my stumbles along the way, because God gave me my wonderful daughter.  The miracle child that I was told had less than 20% chance of life after birth.  God new what he was doing, and I am grateful and reminded daily what Gods blessing is.
     Blessings until next time!