Friday, May 16, 2014

How CHD Changed Me!


     I have shared a lot with you about my daughter's journey being a child born with a severe Congenital Heart Defect.  I have yet to share how CHD changed me!  I have touched on how I have adjusted and handled being a Mom of a child born with a CHD, but as a woman....a person...there is much more!

     I grew up my entire life thinking I needed to be strong.  Holding in my emotions, never tipping my hand when someone dealt me a major blow.  I remember when I was a young teen, I overheard a family member telling a friend, a sure sign of a weak female is her uncontrolled emotions.  That was enough for me to strive to be tough, to swallow the hurt, fear, and tears.  Never show my hand, never show my emotions, and I would never get hurt.  Instead of living my life free, I spent many a days building walls around my feelings, my heart.....me!   My heart was hardening as I continued to not allow God to enter and work his wonders.  But strange enough I believe God was working inside me all along.

     When I became pregnant with Cora and discovered my first born baby had heart issues well.....I continued building those walls.  I kept my emotions in check...hidden from my husband.....for that matter everyone I was in contact with. Then something changed one day. God began working a miracle in me!  He seeked me out, accepted me in my fear, anger, and rock bottom moments.  He began repairing me....removing my fear, withdrawing the pent up anger, and restoring me with faith.  Faith that I can make it!  Strength that no matter what happens he is with me, walking beside me and carrying me when I am just to weak to be strong one more minute. 
     I went from a bitter angry person...who by the way felt sorry for herself and thought God was punishing me for making wrong decisions in my life leading up to my pregnancy!  To......a renewed person!!!  I was shown that I could trust him with all of me.  He would be there for me despite falling short everyday.  It was not until I actually gave birth to Cora that I felt I had been shown God's complete love for me!

     Was I frightened the entire pregnancy?  Absolutely!!  Did I have setbacks in my faith journey?  I still have those days...BUT......it's different now!  I walk each day with The Lord's love, forgiveness, and word.  I have learned the glories of prayer, and releasing of worries.
     I know that my daughter will forever have a critical severe congenital heart defect with setbacks along our journey in life together....BUT..... I also know God has a purpose for Cora!!  That all that she has been through is with purpose!  I've learned that there will be setbacks, tears, fear, worry, anger, and hurt.  I have also learned that all those things are temporary!  As long as I stay grounded in my faith, and guide my daughter together we can tackle all those negatives and slay them with scripture and prayer.  I am a better person, Mom, wife, and daughter because of this journey God has put me on.  I walk each day grateful for my low because without it I wouldn't have discovered the GREAT love of Christ Jesus, and God!!

Blessings until next time!
Drena