All it took was one trigger and Pandora's box was opened. A side I usually can contain, exploded in a way I am ashamed to admit, won out at that moment. I stood in the middle of the room feeling my ears burning. I knew I was on the verge of losing it. I gave into the anger......evil found an opening in my thoughts and snuck right in. It took over all my emotions and sin began!
Arms flying in the air I started. "You have no idea what it's like. I have to prompt her 100 times a day to remember stuff that everyone else in the world doesn't even have to think about. It just comes automatically to them, but not to her. It is so exhausting to be her brain and mine! I recognize it isn't her fault but some days...well some days I am tired of constantly repeating myself. I am sick of hearing my own voice. I have become a nagger instead of a kind encourager. I frustrate so quickly instead of being slow to anger. I am embarrassed of the parent I am becoming. I can feel myself lose control of the situation when it occurs and I just can't get a hold on it. I know there has to be a way to get things to stick inside her little brain.....why can't anyone figure this out?" By this time I am in all full blown hissy fit. I am folding laundry with gusto, and deliberately throwing down the folded towels on my bed.
"Honestly Lord, I am sick of being the shoulder to lean on. I can't be with her 24/7 so when she doesn't remember who is going to help her? You know how many times she would have missed the bus or, gotten on the wrong bus without a teacher guiding her this past school year? Maybe the anticipation of school beginning soon is adding to my stress. But when school does start the stress will intentsfy, making the simplest of tasks down right unbearable for both of us. I've tried so many different things to fail each time. I am only one person.....and maybe I'm wishing for something crazy? But miracles happen everyday, why can't a miracle break though be one for her?" Crying like a crazy person and pacing the floor I continue.
"Lord what has happened to me?" Dropping to my knees I ask for forgiveness for my selfish tyrade and the immature way I have just behaved. Begging for forgiveness of my sins and insight on how to do better I finish by just sitting in silence.
This is not something I am proud of by all means, but something I, as a CHD parent, goes through more than I care to admit. My reason for sharing this to let others know, including other CHD parents, that you aren't alone in the meltdown world. Yes if you keep things bottled up, and not pray often enough, these little things will boil over and well.....you can see what happens as I shared above. My lesson learned is exactly as I just wrote plus........every strong person will have time of weakness. It depends on how we handle those weak moments that make us grow stronger and closer to Our Lord!
Blessings until next time!