While I was pregnant with Cora, learning of her Congenital Heart Defect, I made a decision! I knew this baby would be my only. I just couldn't live through another pregnancy with the possibility of having another CHD child. I couldn't bear to bring another child, fighting so hard, into the world. I was determined that no matter what, boy or girl, she was my one and only child!
Fast forward in life, and guess what? I began to feel God laying before me options. Options to think about adding another child to our family. I was very hardheaded and didn't want to listen to the suddle hints. I recall declaring to my husband, God would have to shake me silly before I would ever bring another baby into the world.
It is so sad to look back at this me. I was so frail and young in my faith. I thought I made all my decisions and, my way was THE way. I truly believed everything rested in my hands. My family, and the entire world rested on me to take care of everything! I'm so grateful God didn't give up on me then. I'm so grateful God continued to mold and educate me. I'm most grateful that God taught me the importance of leaning on him!
So there I was, middle of the night, sleeping soundly. Cora was a couple years old now, and I was a hot mess of a CHD Momma. But, I leaned heavily on Jesus, and began my journey of prayer. So out of nowhere I had a conversation with God in my sleep. Honestly I listened without saying a word. That was the first time God spoke to me, and.....I actually heard him. I remember my eyes popping open, clock read after 2am, and I began shaking my hubby's arm. I could the words escaping from my mouth, and that little part in mind was saying, huh, what, am I recalling correctly? Did God really just speak to me and give me these vivid details? By now I was sitting up and about ready to explode with information. I preceded to tell my hubby what I was told. Smiling I informed him, it was ok to grow our family. Our baby would perfectly healthy, no heart issues at all, and.......it would be a girl! Sure enough time passed and all the extensive tests were done, and guess what........our baby was heart healthy, and a girl. All I could do was smile at my hubby and say "I told so!"
To this day I hold that moment with God dear to me. I would walk the world sharing my moment with God, to give people hope, to share that God does more than just exist. God feels, God hears, and God loves us. Oh yes, I still fight this mental demon! My mind still stumbles and I begin thinking everything rests in my hands. That I must carry everyone in my family, and be the strong pillar that has all the answers, and everything under control. But my daily prayers, and Jesus' arms to guide and carry me at times, that demon would take up permanent residence in my mind! I believe with all my being that God gives us that nudge when we need it, and if we are open enough, we will hear him! Some of the smallest moments are God's greatest!
Blessings Until Next Time!