From the moment the doctors began informing me of all the complications my daughter would have the moment she would be born, I buried all those emotions inside this hidden chest deep down. I appeared to all strong, I was strong, I have been strong for 12 years. I haven't wanted my family to worry. For years I have buried my emotions and how I truly feel about living a day to day life with a child with a CHD. I always felt who has time to hear me, everyone else has difficult times too, why should I burden others with mine? As I watch my beautiful daughter grow I feel her more and more. My heart aches with her, her emotions are my emotions. I cry more now then I did after her 4 open heart surgeries. Even though I have been blessed by God with 12 wonderful years with Cora I still hear in my head what her prognoses on a long life is, all the unknowns. Trying not to focus daily on that is harder as I watch her grow.
I still climb up into her bunk bed at night and check to make sure she is breathing. I still pray every morning that she will bless me with another day full of her smiles and laughter when I go to wake her up. I still worry the heat will be to much for her, that her lips don't turn bluish purple to many times during the day, that she doesn't have a lot of chest pains, tingling in her hand and arms, and that little cough she happened to pick up doesn't end up becoming something much worse. My soul aches as I watch Cora struggle in school, making friends, and playing sports. I feel that my hands are tied behind me everyday she struggles with simple things most kids her age can do. I tell her daily I love her and assure her she is doing great, but that just isn't enough for her some days.
So why tell everyone this? That's exactly what I thought, who's going to care? I believe The Lord is wanting me to open up to help other parents who may be struggling like myself. Even if just one parent is touched and helped from my struggles I believe God has helped me do my job....my purpose for blogging and attempting to finish my book.
Blessings until next time!