Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Inside Out!

     Being a Momma is one of the most rewarding, and exhausting privileges I have been given.  Being a Heart Momma is a daily emotional draining, and very lonely road sometimes.   I must admit there are so many days I feel like I'm in a complete daze.  I just go through the motions, somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other, and making it to my destination.
    Though time has passed my mind still reverts back.  Even though Cora is now 14,  I still wake up in the middle of the night to check on her.  Constantly making sure she is still breathing!  I still have bad dreams of the many times she coded after her surgeries.  I still hear the beeping of monitors in my ears, and smell of the CICU.  I can still feel the fear and sorrow as they take my sweet girl from my arms.  I ache reliving the nurse carrying Cora across the hall to her surgery room.  These things, they never leave me, ever!  I feel like I live a life that's inside out! 

     Even 14 years later I still struggle weekly, sometimes daily, with these haunting images and emotions.  Sure I've done a fantastic job repressing all these emotions.  Yes I have gotten very good at swallowing those choked up moments when you want to burst into tears.  Sadly I have become a master at keeping up my walls so al around aren't to be concerned.
     I have learned it is very difficult to live a stress free, non emotional life.  I have discovered strengths that can only be described as God's grace, when every inch of me wants to curl up in a ball.
     Many nights I pray for rejuvenation and healing of my strength.  Sometimes when I shed a tear, I hear God whisper oh so softly to me.  He reminds me that the loneliness I sometimes feel, is his cry for time with me!  That's when he heals me!  God gives me courage and renews my strength, so I can be the best Momma he knows I can be to all three of my daughters.  
    I admit it's not easy.  I know I still have a lot of emotions I've never dealt with.  I openly admit that I do struggle with my faith, trying not to worry.  I still have days where I'm on the verge falling apart.  I have even questioned God's plans for me.  Each time it gets this bad God will place scripture in the most unusual places.  My recent is Titus 2:3.  I found it on LinkedIn of all places.  It was like it placed there at that moment just for me.  Titus 2:3 says to use their lives to teach what is good.  So I'm willing to expose my feelings and emotions with you.  My life is riddled with imperfections, but it is a life that I use to help teach others the good within it!  Yes, having a CHD child is some days more than I think I can handle.  But this journey our family is on is meant to be!!  It's meant to be so we can share the good and the struggles with each of you.   Thank you for journeying with us, learning together, and supporting our family!  There's definitely not many dull days in our house!

Blessings Until Next Time!