Pick Up Day!

     As I pull into Heart Camp, I am so excited to see my sweet girl!  Her fun filled week at Heart Camp has come to an end!  As I park, I hope she'll be excited to see me, and give me a giant warm hug. 

     Luggage and medicine are first on my pickup list, afterwards it's off to pick up my little blonde.  

     Finding myself walking quickly back from the car, I have reached my destination.  Pushing the door open I'm consumed by the noise of heart kids everywhere.  My eyes start darting around looking for my sweetness in black framed glasses.  Heart a pounding, smile plastered on my face with anticipation, I found my target.  Observing for a minute, I see her glowing face.  She is laughing, talking, and bonding.  Her demeanor is different.  Her body is relaxed, she smile doesn't look forced, and the group around her is receptive to her.  Still standing there I am in awe of my sweet girl, and so happy to see her surrounded by acceptance!  I realized that for the first time, I am truly witnessing my daughter being a typical teenager.

     With the typical teenager in full effect I am not received happily.  Yep, no giant warm hug, no hey Momma happy to see you.  Nope, I get a why are you here? I'm not ready to leave!  Let's just say the next 30 minutes were not fun for either one of us.  Watching her eyes swell with tears as she hugs each gal at her table, and saying goodbye, I see she is saying goodbye to more than her friends.  She's parting from her comfort, acceptance, and her normal.  And entering back into the abnormal, judge mental, difficult day to day life.  Observing this makes my soul ache.

     I know I've said it a thousand times, and will continue to say it until my last breath, but Heart Camp is my daughter's saving grace.  This camp brings rejuvenation and spirit into my daughter that is clearly lacking the rest of her weeks.  I so wish Heart Camp could be more than once a year.  To see her emotions sore during this week makes me so joyous!  I may not be able to provide this missing link, I so wish I could, BUT I can give her a special week each summer to sore!

Blessings Until Next Time!

Drena

A Week Without!

     A week without my Cora!  It should be a week to take a deep breath and relax just a little bit.  It should be my week to not worry about all things related to Congenital Heart Defects.  With Cora off enjoying her time at Heart Camp, I should enjoy the break!  Right?....WRONG!

     Instead I miss her terribly!  I find myself looking out at the swing set to see nothing.  That sweet little smile as she swings for hours, listening to her iPod has vanished.

     Now I know Heart Camp is only a week, but it started me pondering the what ifs.  What if my Cora wasn't around anymore? The hole in my soul would be constant.  What if our lives had to carry on without her?  I don't think I could bear it.  Sure she is a lot of work, but she is such a reward too.  Thoughts spiraling into sorrow.  Sorrow that I would even think about this.  Sorrow for CHD parents who have lost their sweet CHD child(ren).  I know I don't know exactly what you have gone through but my heart aches the same.  All those overwhelming moments during my day are missed just a little bit.

     Silly as it may sound, I find myself checking Facebook multiple times a day to see if any knew camp pictures have been posted. Just to see what her day has entailed, and to see if she may be in a picture or two.

     Each year she goes to camp is a reminder.  It reminds me that through all the hardships, crazy moments, ready to pull my hair out days, I love my Cora to pieces.  And I wouldn't change one thing about our journey together!

Blessings Until Next Time!

Drena 

The Angst Within!

    Countdown to Heart Camp!  For the last two months, the majority of Cora's conversations are about her excitement for Heart Camp!  As time draws near, her excitement is getting more difficult for her to control.  Other facets of her personality start to creep in.

     I have gotten use to reading her personality signs, and most of the time I can identify when things start to escalate in her little mind.  It is wonderful to see my Cora's excitement for summer camp.  Her excitement includes being with other heart kids that won't judge, to having a week to be with children who can relate to things other heart healthy children her age may not.  But along with that excitement, I start to see the angst in her eyes, and the tone of her voice change.

     I see her anxiety start to over rule her excitement, and her body posture begins to change.  Then....the what ifs begin.  What if I have that counselor from last year who yelled at me all the time, and said horrible things to me and my friends?  What if the heat is so bad Mom I can't breath well?  What if I collapse like the girl did last year?  What if it storms really bad?  That this point it becomes my job to take hold of the what ifs, and bring Cora back to the simple positives.

Once the focus has changed back to the fun of heart camp, and what it means to Cora, we are back on the excitement train!

     I believe, for Cora, Heart Camp is like her home away from home.  I believe she looks at heart camp as her place to be her raw self, and not be judged.  I believe, for her, it's a safe place to share things she goes through, that she doesn't even share with me.  I believe that without Heart Camp, their would be more sad days, followed by more anxious behavior, and depression.

     I wish I was powerful enough to wipe all the anxiousness from Cora.  I wish I could tell her that all those what ifs would never happen.  I wish I could make everyday Heart Camp for her, but I simply can't!  I can however give her one week to flourish!  One week where her spirit takes flight!  I can give her Heart Camp!  

     So thankful for Cincinnati Children's Hospital and the wonderful folks who put together this one magical week each year!  Our family, especially Cora, wouldn't be the same without this glorious Heart Camp!

Blessings Until Next Time!

Drena

Anticipation!!!!

     As I sit here this Thursday evening, my anticipation is growing by the hour.  Tomorrow I will be picking up my darling daughter at Heart Camp.  I have prayed so much this week for all the campers and their little hearts. 

     I anticipate that moment when I get to see her sweet little face.  Her warm joyous smile, and her voice calling out Mom.  I simply can't wait to grab hold of her and shower her with kisses and hugs.  Like each year I'm sure I will be praising God for keeping her safe and returning her back to me!  Funny to say but, I am as excited as a child on Christmas morning.  The inspiration Cora gives me everyday is really indescribable.  She gives me courage to try things, she brings me joy in the little things, but mostly.....she make me proud to be a Mom...specifically, her Mom!!

     Now don't get me wrong, I like time away from my children.  I enjoy "me" time, but I want to selfishly enjoy every minute I can with her....really with all my children.  It's just I don't know what the time frame of togetherness with Cora will be.  So I try to soak up all I can...just like a sponge....so if I am faced with days, or years without her, I will have used every minute God gave me with her to the best of my ability.

     So as I retire for the night I am excited for an afternoon, evening, and probably as week full of stories and wonderful memories my CHD daughter has made!  These are moments that carry me when I fall short, and feel like I just can't do another day!

Blessings until next time!

Drena